Tips to Help You Refine Your Search Strategy – If You Haven’t Found Her Yet
Our tips apply to ladies from any nationality. However, our first-hand experience and research interviews have been with ladies from Asia. This article tells you where to find them.
- IDENTIFYING A POTENTIAL FOREIGN SPOUSE – FOCUS ON ASIA
Our goal is to serve serious US Petitioners looking for a lady of good character that they deem to be “wife material.” Obviously, this judgment depends on each Petitioner’s values. So let’s be clear: we are making assumptions about Asian ladies who are likely to be considered potential spouses, at the risk that, in your view, they are unwarranted stereotypes. Let’s just say that we have found our assumptions to be largely true from our experience and research.
(Case Example [1]: Josh, an American with a conservative background, had familiarity with many Asian women living in the US through his profession as a teacher of English to Chinese nationals living in Chinatown. After many years, he decided to go live in China for extended months looking to find a “traditional” lady of certain age and religious affiliation.)
By a “traditional” Asian woman we mean one who upholds values taught to young girls by their parents and their environment since an early age. For the most part, the same values are found across a wide range of Asian nationalities. This is our list:
– Strong family values of respect and support to parents, siblings and close relatives (especially the elderly) and friends. Asian women often refer to their best female friends as “sisters.”
– They are not “party girls,” nor have they sequentially dated many men, or like clubbing or hanging out in bars hoping to meet men.
– Hard working, as economic conditions and traditions require many women to hold jobs, including while raising children (which they do with support from their parents). Many will often aspire to be a “stay-at-home-mom” and housewife or a noted professional in their field.
– Integrity and self respect. These women do not enter into passionate relationships easily. By no means are they dispassionate in private, but often shun Public Displays of Affection (PDA) and are not looking for quick flings.
– Are fiercely loyal, do not flirt outside the relationship, and expect the same respect from their male partner.
Your focus as a US Sponsor is to learn the lady’s character as deeply as you can. When you both live in the same city you can likely date once or twice a week. In a LDR you will likely not meet more than 2 or 3 times a year. It’s important you both understand that, while you are together, the relationship needs to develop at a faster pace. Thus, the more you learn about each other before the first meeting, and in between meetings, will contribute to the familiarity and closeness you will feel when meeting in person.
Many of the women we know and interviewed were previously married to an Asian man. At the risk of further stereotyping, in our research they told us these were the causes for their divorce:
– Cheating. In some Asian cultures this behavior by men is tacitly overlooked and women suffer the humiliation and reproach from their friends rather than break up the marriage and family. Conversely, the husband boasts to his friends about his mistresses.
– Gambling. Men who are irresponsible in handling money and lead their family to ruin and sometimes leave the divorced wife “holding the bag” for their debt. It should be said that laws and customs that protect women’s rights in divorce in the US are uncommon in Asia. Many of the women we interviewed had left the marriage with little or nothing.
(Case Example: Shan, a woman living in Anhui Province in China, divorced her husband after he indebted the family deeply due to his gambling. She was forced to pay his debts after the divorce.)
– Domestic Violence. Sadly, this seems to be more common than anyone would tolerate. Women are often afraid to report it, law enforcement pays little importance to it, and the women feel humiliated in front of society if they report it.
(Case Example: Hui, living in Chengdu, China, after 15 years of marriage and two children, caught her husband cheating with a much younger woman from work After confronting him, he struck her in anger and injured her, thus compounding cheating with domestic violence.)
Our purpose here is not to indict the marriage or relationship customs in other cultures. Rather, we suggest that US men be prepared to hear these comments from women who have been previously married in Asia.
So, where can a US man find these desirable potential partners?
- FINDING A SUITABLE ASIAN LADY
There are basically three ways to look for a quality foreign woman:
♦ (a) Foreign women already living in the US
♦ (b) Women living abroad who you can meet online, and
♦ (c) Women you can meet while visiting a foreign country
In our experience these sources are in order of likelihood of success, from easiest and most likely, to hardest with less likelihood of success. Let’s explore them.
(a) Foreign Women Already Living in the US
These fall into into two quite different groups:
- US-born: first generation (e.g., Asian-Americans), born of immigrant parents, or later-generation women.
These ladies are very likely to have assimilated into American culture. However, if they are Asian many will retain the “traditional” values we talked about earlier.
- Women visiting the US temporarily – legally or not – or otherwise having arrived and stayed through provisions in immigration law (e.g., seeking asylum). In the temporary category we find students, foreign workers on sponsored H1B visas, and visitors/tourists on B1/B2 visas. Among the latter, some who, having entered legally, are clearly looking to marry an American rather quickly and stay in the US.
(Case Example: Angel, a Chinese woman with a young child on a visitor visa made it a practice to date men and immediately indicate she was only interested in marriage, screening men’s intentions by stating there would be no sex before marriage.)
(Case Example: Chichi told us that she declared on each first date that she needed to marry within three months of dating. After overstaying her visa she found a willing Asian man to marry her. But the relationship went sour quickly and he refused to support her Adjustment of Status to obtain a Green Card)
A common misconception is that, by simply marrying and American man (or Permanent Resident), the foreign woman will get a Green Card eventually and will be forgiven even if she has committed visa fraud or overstayed her visa. We advise you to check your case with an immigration attorney.
(Case Example: Lilly paid an agency in her country to find her a “fake” US husband. She succeeded in getting the K1 Visa, coming to America and marrying. The couple did not live together; in fact, they lived in different states. When applying for her Green Card they were denied due to inability of the couple to prove a genuine and valid marriage.)
We assume you you will know the various ways you can go about finding and meeting these women already in the US. However, a word of advice: avoid online scams and dating sites that are interested in nickel-and-diming you with often fake women profiles and shady practices (see our article on Avoiding Online Dating Scams).
With those caveats, Asian women already living in the US will be your easiest path to finding a suitable partner.
(b) Women Living Abroad who you can Meet Online
There are numerous sites featuring foreign women looking for love and marriage. The advantage of going this way is that you can take your time corresponding, chatting and videoing to get to know a lady. Once a long distance relationship (LDR) has been established, the couple can meet to further their bond.
Usually, the US Sponsor will travel to the woman’s country. Because much time has passed in preliminary conversations, the couple may well feel no strangeness in meeting and advancing the relationship quickly over a short time. If you have followed our tips for Avoiding Online Dating Scams there is little risk of big surprises.
Meeting online is considered normal nowadays and there is no disadvantage for immigration purposes. Again, you will have to prove a legitimate relationship to USCIS. You also have to be aware of the IMBRA.
(Case Example: Tina, a Chinese woman, developed an initial LDR relationship with an American man. When he came to visit her she asked how long he was staying in town and he said two days because he planned to meet 10 ladies on this trip to her country. Needless to say, she would not see him again after a first date. A degree of exclusivity will be sought by reputable women.)
(c) Women you can Meet while Visiting Other Countries
If you have the opportunity to travel abroad you may well meet a nice woman through your tourism or business activities. However, many men make special trips to certain other countries to meet women. Of course, we are not talking about trips to shady locations where women are plying their trade openly. Therefore, meeting a reputable lady will require more effort and luck. It’s highly unlikely that in a short visit you will be able to establish a sufficient mutual bond to decide on marriage. Quality women will need more time than you have to develop a strong bond and relationship.
(Case Example: Alfred, an international technology salesman, met Lena, a flight attendant on an Asian airline bound for Amsterdam. He agreed to join a bus tour the next day with two of her girlfriends since it was everyone’s first trip to the Netherlands. They then spent time as a group for 3 more days and agreed to stay in touch. In those days it was either letters or phone calls. Lena would let Alfred know of her travel schedule a month in advance. They were able to meet again a few times in the US and abroad. He then visited her several times while on business in her country as their relationship blossomed and they were eventually married and are living in the US).
Asian women as well as many other foreigners are generally very friendly and approachable and it’s easy to start a conversation almost anywhere. If you move beyond that to a date, however, serious women will expect some degree of exclusivity, as we have noted. Some will be quite outspoken about it, such as “no intimacy without a committed relationship.”
(Case Example: Francine, a Vietnamese-French pediatrician from Paris, met Bernard, an American IT consultant while both were vacationing in Bali, Indonesia. Bernard traveled frequently to the Middle East and stopped to see Francine in Paris about every two to three months. They talked of marriage and he began gathering her documents to file for her K1 visa and move to America. On his next trip he went to her apartment and she wasn’t there, although they had confirmed a meeting. Heartbroken, he inquired with neighbors who said she had suddenly moved to the countryside but had no idea of her whereabouts. When he returned home to the US he found a “Dear John” letter waiting for him from Francine. She said she couldn’t bear leaving France and her medical practice to start over in a strange place. Such are the perils of LDRs.)
[1]Case Examples are snippets from real life stories related to us during our research interviews with US men and Asian women living in Asia or the US. Many reveal the risks and perils of Long Distance Relationships (LDRs). The circumstances are as relayed to us at the time and they help illustrate one or more of our points. Names of people, places and circumstances have been changed to preserve the confidentiality of our interviewees.